The Chronicles of God
by MistalPhral
Summary: This script is how i view are higher powers in a way. I love making jokes on things people take so seriously. Its about a serious angle dealing with god who has a few bolts loose actually he probally lost the bolts. Its hillarious and youll love it.
1. Chronicles 1

****

The Chronicles of God

By: Timothy Daniels

No one owns these characters; they are basic religious figures. All I did was preview them the way I see them. Umm… I ask that if your religious please don't read this because you'll probably find this insulting. If you have a free mind like me then enjoy them you'll laugh for sure. This is written in my own style it s a kind of play but not so much, deal with it. After you read this you should leave a review, I love to know how my story is and I cant tell in tell I hear your words so leave a review. Oh, don't copy this story or you'll be killed.

Scene I 

(The Angel walks in to a round room seeing God sitting in a throne looking very depressed. The angle walks to him with concern, God looks at her with a bored look.)

God: What is it Angel?

Angle: Well I was actually getting back to my duties. When I saw you and…

God: And what?

Angle: Well, do you need my help?

God: Hmm… define help?

Angle: (pushing hand firmly to her face, she gives a annoyed look, while God smiles on.)

Do you need help with a problem, preferably work problem?

God: Ok perhaps I do. (Grabs the golden goblet next to him and gives a slight sigh) All day I sit here doing stuff for these humans. I give them Aids, Global Warming, Africa, and Bob Barker! You'd think they would be happy. I want to take a vacation some where far away where I can relax a bit; I work myself to the bones I don't have. 

Angle: (eyes grow big) I don't think that's very wise.

God: (Looking frustrated) WHY NOT! IM GOD! I CAN DO WHAT I PLEASE!

Angle: Well, last time it lead to the Medieval Ages, do you really thinks it's wise, it could be the end of the world the next time, you know?

God: (staring at the ceiling un-aware of what was just said) Umm… Yeah right so where shall I go?

Angle: (staring blankly for a moment, face gets red) DO YOU EVER LISTEN!

God: fine I'll get a back up God for me, you know a sort of substitute. 

Angle: Whatever you're god.

God: Dam straight, now what about Zeus?

Angle: He raped a pink swan!

God: Point taken. Uh… George Bush

Angle: Do you want the world to end!

God: You are right, it's too soon to do that. How about, OH I GOT IT! HITLER!

Angle: He's evil and dead it will never work, besides your son is Jewish.

God: I have a son… Where?

Angle: Remember… Jesus… ring a bell

God: I remember his mom (laughs sarcastically) 

Angle: Forget it, give another option.

God: OOH, MICHAEL JACKSON! HE'S PERFECT!

Angle: Oh, merciful lord why?

God: (Yelling in an idiotic yet happy scream) I'M LORD!

Angle: (getting un-patient) so… Michael Jackson?

God: Yes go fetch him for me Angel, we must talk.

(Angel leaves the room abruptly, and god sits back in his throne, grabs his goblet, and a huge smile grows across his face. That Afternoon, Angel appears with Michael Jackson beside her, they enter god's room where they find him in a shiny gold Speedo) 

God: Just getting ready (looks up at Michael Jackson)

Michael Jackson: (giggles girlishly, and burst out into song) THRILLER! THRILLER NIGHT! GOD IS WEARING A SPEDO, AND IT MAKES ME WANNA HUMP HIM!

God: (Let's out a girlishly screech) Michael, you are the back up god for a week err century or so. (Grabs Michael Jackson by the arm and directs him to the throne.) Here you are have a nice time. (Runs back into his room and shuts the door behind him.) Wow that guy is creepier in person.

Angle: You hired him not me. Anyway I was looking for possible vacation spots and how about Pluto?

God: Too far of a trip, any others?

Angle: Umm, how about Mercury, herd it's a nice place, never cold, nice view of the sun.

God: Far too hot, do you want me to die, Oh I cant I'm god, oh well.

Angle: Okay? How About Mars?

God: Allergic to red.

Angle: Saturn?

God: Rings make my kidney explode!

Angle: AHH, NOTHING WORKS WITH YOU! How about Earth?

God: Well, I would say yes except that's the place im trying to get away from and also I got with chick, Mary? Yeah they're still talking about it. 

Angle: (her face begins to get really red and suddenly lets out a loud scream of anger, runs out of the room grabs Michael Jackson and throws him off the cliff. Michael Jackson giggles his whole way down to earth singing Thriller.)

God: Geese, was that necessary? Now I can't go anywhere!

Angle: Exactly, your gonna stay right here and do nothing! (Storms out of the room)

God: (Sits back into his chair and sighs)

(As boredom fills the room, god slowly falls asleep humming the Coconut Song and the room goes dark)

Scene II

(The sun rises slowly and God's eyes barley peak open finding Angle cleaning up messes around his office, God stretches and stands slowly Walk over to Angle and taps her on the shoulder.)

Angle: hmm… Oh, hi and how are you this morning?

God: IM AS HORNEY AS AN ELK!

Angle: Oh, here we go again another chapter written in my never-ending book. 

God: You have a book?

Angle: (shrugs, slaps herself and continues cleaning)

God: Get it? Elk horns. Horney, do you get it?

Angle: Wow, you never stop do you.

God: Oh, I kill myself sometimes!

Angle: (Turns a bit looking at god.) That is a bit ironic that you say that considering you commit suicide every 5 minutes. (Starts to clean again.)

God: (cuts of his own thumb, falls over, and dies)

Angle: Once again, you cease to amaze me.) 

God: (comes back to life) IM AS HORNEY AS A FISH!

Angle: What?

(At this time Zeus the god of lightning and power burst through gods floor with a look of stupidity among his face)

Zeus: Did someone say fish? 

Angle: Great as if One idiot wasn't enough! (throwing her arms up in the air and starts to sweep the floor with anger)

Zeus: Honestly, did someone say fish? I could use some sex right now.

God: Where's the swam you were dating a couple weeks ago?

Zeus: Eh, she's a hore! She was seeing other swans!

God: Uh, how about that girl you met on earth?

Zeus: After she had my child Hercules she filed a restraining order.

God: No kidden? I can't see why. 

Zeus: tell me about it, now where's this fish? Is it hot?

God: Oh… The fish was just a joke, sorry. 

Zeus: Eh, dam it I guess ill get a hooker, or Michael Jackson.

God: THREE SOME!

(Randomly God and Zeus grab hands and run of the edge of the cliff, they are not seen in tell morning of the next day)

SCENE III

(God walks into his office after a long night with Zeus and Michael Jackson, and runs over to Angle who was working on paper work)

God: Ok, I have a joke to tell you!

Angle: Please just kill me or something I cant take any more head aces!

God: Knock, Knock!

Angle: ugh, who's there?

God: GOD!

Angle God whom?

God: (Randomly a look of anger goes across his face) DON'T SAY MY NAME IN VAIN! GOD DAM IT!

Angle: Sorry, wait you just said your name in vain!

God: I…. No… 

Angle: admit it I got you!

God: I'm God so there fore by saying god I am by far referring to my self not another higher power and considering I'm that higher power it cannot be in vain there fore my argument is truly superior and that means, I am innocent!

Angle: Umm… I cant… What?

God: I WIN! IN YOUR FACE GOD!

Angle: You are god? And you said your name in vain again!

God: Sex hair?

Angle: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!

God: MAN BOOBS!

Angle: Oh my god, will you stop already this is a T rated script we cant be adding stuff like that! 

God: Hey you said my name in vain again!

Angle: (storms out of the room in rage)

(God stares blankly at the ceiling for 4 hours and randomly starts spelling Mississippi. Suddenly someone enters the room.)

Scene IV

(Angle walked into God's office to find him spelling Mississippi and starring at the ceiling)

Angle: Do you know how amazed I am, as stupid as you are the world is still not at its end.

God: Yah, I get that a lot. Look what I invented thou! 

Angle: You invented something? 

God: Yeah, just watch! (Claps his hand twice every light in the world goes off causing a world wide black out) WEE! Yes, I'm so smart! This is possibly the most amazing thing I've done since I made Einstein!

Angle: How can you do that everyone thinks it's the apocalypse!

God: An apocalypse of happiness!

Angle: People are starting to sacrifice for the gods! It's a blood bath!

God: Those are sacrifices and blood baths of happiness!

Angle: Oh, Now demons from the under world are attacking the citizens!

God: Those are Demons of happiness!

Angle: Hey, is that Zeus?

God: Zeus of happiness? 

Angle: God do something before it's too late! 

God: Umm… do something? Ok Ill do the hokey pokey, that's something! (begins dancing)

(No matter how hard angel tries she cant redo the process and the world explodes in a sudden bang)

Angle: NO, 4.6 billion years of process ruined!

God: BIG BANG! Hmm… Looks like I need to create Earth 2!

Angle; (filled with rage) I QUIT! YOU'RE A HORRIBLE STUPID DOUCH BAG!

God: Hey look my 5 minutes are up, SUICIDE TIME! 

(Night falls and the curtains close as a new world starts to form, and god will start a second rein) 

This is the end of my script I decided that it couldn't much further than this. Although you should leave comments on it because I like hearing what you have to say and if I get enough people saying I like it I probably will do a sequel. But beside that I kind of made a joke out of suicide and in real life it's not funny so I mentioning this because I don't want anyone to take it of a joke. Anyway I hope you enjoy this and thanks for your views and comments!


	2. Chronicles 2

Chronicles of God

Chronicles of God

Part 2

OK, all of you thought I was done writing this script. Well, turns out people actually enjoy reading it so… I MADE PART TWO! You sick, disgusting, perverted hermits without a life -.-! I hope you enjoy it at much as you did part One!

Scene I

God sits at his desk quietly and for once he looks busy. He looks a bit tired and hasn't gotten much sleep in the past week. His plan for Earth 2 is more complex then his first and the fact that he hasn't found himself a new secretary overwhelms him. God shrugs, pauses for a second, and keeps going on his planning.

God: Hmm… name, name, what can I name my earth two? (Starts tapping finger on his chin) It has to be complex, classy, elegant, and beautiful! (Looks up at the ceiling and smiles widely) I GOT IT! I shall name it… Penis-in-your-vagina-villa! (Smiles with glee, and suddenly looks puzzled) Or maybe Spleetopia, or maybe even Schwataloopconfizzleboopville, there's so many possibilities! (His left eyebrow raises) I need a secretary that'll help me, but who?

Randomly God's floor begins to rumble and suddenly Zeus's head pops out of the ground and so does Poseidon's.

Zeus: Did someone say secretary? (Zeus states in a perverted tone)

God: No, I haven't found one yet, wait who's that?

Zeus: (Stairs blankly at god) Who's, who? What? I'm confused, who are you? Why are you in my sex chamber?

God: (Looking puzzled for a moment) Umm… this is my office, and I'm god. And I asked who is that next to you?

Zeus: (Gives a look of sudden realization) Oh! Who's, who next to?

God: Who's next to you!

Zeus: ME!

God: YES YOU!

Zeus: SEX!

God: (Looks puzzled) His name is Sex?

Zeus: (Looking anxious and excited) WHERE'S SEX?

God: He's the guy next to you.

Zeus: Who me?

God: Oh my god, YES YOU! Wait I'm god, so, that means I "oh my" myself!

Zeus: (Looks at god as if he just noticed him) Hey, God have you met my new sex buddy Poseidon?

God: (Gains a look of confusion) I thought his name was sex?

Zeus: No that's her! (Points to a bald girl in the corner)

God: No that's Brittany Spears!

Brittany: I like puppies! I want a child! Spaghetti!

God: Wait Zeus, isn't Poseidon your brother? That's incest and slightly creepy. I'm getting a rash just thinking about it, I wanna name him Larry! (Smiles with happiness)

Zeus: Poseidon is my bumping buddy! You can't have fun without a hole! Can Poseidon and I have sex with Larry? You can join….

God: GIANT ORGY! Oh, wait suicide time (cuts off thumb, dies)

Poseidon: Let's do him while he sleeps. He, he, he!

Brittany: Shiny, happy, rainbow!

The room turns suddenly dark, and the orgy with the rash named Larry begins!

Scene 2

God wakes up, and picks himself up off the ground, he is dizzy and unaware of what just happened to him, or his rash Larry. It takes him about ten minutes to realize that he is naked and his rash has a hole through it. He decides that it must have been an accident from when he sumo wrestled with that mad eating duck. God quickly gets dressed, takes care of Larry and goes about his creation of world two.

God: Wow, what a crazy dream I had last night… (Looks up at the ceiling with a clueless look.) I had a dream that I got a rash named Larry, and Zeus and his friend raped you and me? (Gives a look of pleasure.) Only if it was reality!

Suddenly out of no where a Larry the rash grew a mouth and began to speak with a deep scraggly tone that was threatening yet somewhat cute.

Larry: I WILL TIE YOU UP, SCRATCH YOUR BELLY BUTTON, AND EAT YOUR INTESTINES WHILE YOU WATCH!

God: (gives a look of a happy little schoolgirl) YOU CAN TALK! And what an amazing combination of first words. And you're so innocent and cute! (Goes down to pet the rash and comes back up with his hand missing) Ooh… some bodies hungry! Here you can feed off of Santa Clauses fat!

Santa Clause comes bounding out of a closet door in a Elvis like fashion, looking old, rusty, and stoned all at the same time.

Santa Clause: HO! HO! HO! You're the HOE! AHH ho ho! Ho ho hodley do daddle ho!

Larry: FOOD! AHH… HAH HAH HAH!

Santa Clause: BRING IT ON YOU SORRY EXCUSE FOR A MONKEY THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A MONKEY!

Zeus: (Pops out of the ground, with a look of satisfaction) Hey, group sex!

God: (brushes off his robe, and sits back at his desk) So, where was I, oh that's right creating the Earth 2. So… I think I need to assign a new secretary.

Brittany Spears: Stars, Burrito, Alabama!

God: (with a look of sudden realization) BRITTANY! Your intelligent, want to be my new secretary?

Brittany: Happiness, joy, yeast infection!

God: So it's settled, wow, I haven't been this happy since I created the word supercalifragulisticexbealadocious! And then burned Mary Poppins immediately after it!

Brittany: Butter, toast, and asshole!

God: Brittany you're a genius, I'm calling earth two Buttered Toast Asshole!

Brittany: Giggles give you power!

God: And so does umbrellas that eat tornadoes, or was it tomatoes that eat tornadoes?

Brittany: Tongue Twister! (Pulls out the game twister and starts to play with her tongue)

God: No what would make this more fun? To play actually in a twister!

The day ended with a rash eating Santa clause while Zeus is trying to hump them both, Brittany Spears as the new secretary, and God playing twister in a twister with his tongue. This day was a one step closer to a better Earth or should I say Buttered Toast Asshole?


	3. Chronicles 3

Chronicles of God

**Part 3**

**Well, I really thought Part 2 was going to be the end of this epic, amazing, and whatever awesome words describing sheer amazingness for a story! So anyway, off of ranting, I saw some funny stuff about Poseidon that reminded me of this story, and my friends wanted more, so, here we are now. Me being bored at midnight on a Tuesday writing yet another part of this… erm… what some would call down right terrible tale of god. I LOVE IT!**

**Scene I**

**(God's eyes slowly peeked open to find a completely messy, empty, disorganized room. God looked around his room only to find a mess, Santa Clause decapitated in the corner, and Brittany Spears in the corner poking at her bold scalp and burping out bubbles. God arose to his feat, dusted off his robe and went over to his desk.) **

**God: (with an exhausted tone, and look) Brittany, please will you start cleaning my office, for I wish to have it clean just in case, umm… (Confused) Oh, yes, just in case Hitler tries to eat my carpet again! You know how he is.**

**Brittany: (With a blank, smiling face) Butterscotch, BlowJob, Easter!**

**God: (questioningly) hmm… yes? I suppose those things are nice? But can you clean my office?**

**Brittany: (Jumping with excitement) PANTY RAID!**

**God: (getting more frustrated and confused) That really has nothing to do with, well, NOTHING! Please, just clean my office.**

**Brittany: (Grabs a vacuum and starts to vacuum the ceiling) Toaster Strudel!**

**God: (Emotionless) Yes, toaster strudel…**

**(God continued working on his formation of Buttered Toast Asshole (Earth 2) and to help him along he had Brittany Spears help him with his roadblocks) **

**God: Brittany, I realized I'm going to need more then one secretary to manage this earth, any ideas?**

**Brittany: Butter!**

**God: A human would be nice?**

**Brittany: PINK!**

**God: That's a color Brittany, I need a living thing?**

**Brittany: SPORKS!**

**God: (with an even more irritated look then before) That is eating utensils, not to mention sporks are inbreeders, eeeh!**

**(Randomly the ground started to shake the ground opens up and out comes Zeus only wearing a fig leaf and one left sock.)**

**Zeus: (with a perverted smile) Did somebody say inbreeders! I could use some sex right now!**

**Brittany: My Grandpa bumped my mother!**

**God: (look of despair) Oh dear not you Zeus…**

**Zeus: (With an insulted look) How dare you! I did not have sex with a deer!**

**God: (About to speak, but lost his words from confusion) … Wait, what? Ahh, never mind I'm sure I don't want to know! Now, Brittany, do I have to spell out what I need?**

**Brittany: I won the Grand Champions Spelling Bee!**

**God: (surprised) Wow didn't see that coming? Ok, I need an S-E-C-R-E-T-A-R-Y!**

**Brittany: That's me! Hehe!**

**God: (annoyed) I know you're my secretary, but I need more then one. Who else can I hire?**

**Brittany: I don't get it, giggles are super!**

**God: (look of despair) Why do I bother, this was a lot easier when I had Angle here!**

**Zeus: (Gathered a stroke of genius) I know someone you can hire! (Raises hand) psssst, pick me!**

**God: (annoyed) Zeus do you have something to add to this quite dead conversation? Wait, speaking of dead? (God grabs a knife) SUICIDE TIME! (Cuts off his thumb, dies, and comes back to life) Anyway, Zeus, you were saying?**

**Zeus: (applause) Oh yes, you can hire my sex partner Hercules!**

**God: (confused look) Sounds good… wait what did you call him, before?**

**Zeus: Pepperoni?**

**Brittany: Pepperoni's reminds me of plastic surgery, and daisies! Hehe!**

**God: (disgusted) Okay that is your son, and your sex partner? That's a bit out there Zeus!**

**Zeus: (preventively) Cant have fun without a hole!**

**Brittany: HERSEY HIGHWAY! **

**God: (face starts to turn red) Brittany stay out of this!**

**(Brittany's head started to spin around, and around tell finally it stopped and rolled off her own body then they body melted revealing a extremely short, fat version of Brittany. She then pulled out her own hair, screamed, and jumped out the window.)**

**God: (stunned and surprised) Wow that couldn't get much freakier?**

**(Suddenly the flames arose from the ground, a loud bang felt the room. From the flames Hades appears**

**Hades: (runs over to the severed head of Brittany Spears) Heh heh, MY HEAD, MINE! (Starts to snort her hair) I SEE MUFFINS MY DEAR! (Grabs her head and holds it close) Row, row, row your boat gently across the stream! (Hades then runs out the window) **

**Zeus: (stunned now as well) I think it just got creepier? I forgot why we disowned him as a brother, but now I remember. But, I don't remember how I remembered this? Who are you?**

**God: (slightly confused) People say my family is screwed up. Okay, Where's this Hercules person at, now I'm short one secretary…**

**Zeus: (pulls out a whistle and blows into it) He should be here soon, If Pegasus doesn't have an asthma attack first, he's picked up a nasty smoking habit.**

**(Suddenly Pegasus lands on the balcony of the office with Hercules upon his back. Hercules gets off and looks at Pegasus. Pegasus takes the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it out on Hercules chest.) **

**Zeus: (happy) HELLO SEX BUDDY!**

**Hercules: (pissed) Shut it old man before I take those lightning bolts and shove them up your ass!**

**Zeus: (starts screaming like a little girl, runs to a corner and sucks his thumb)**

**God: (slightly resistant) Umm, Hercules, you can start organizing my files in the filing cabinet.**

**Hercules: What ever (walks to the files and starts to organize them) **

**God: Hmm, Hercules, how should the world become itself, I don't want the "Big Bang" again I keep getting this nagging feeling that I wasn't pacific enough with it. **

**Hercules: Make the world in something that makes people stomach turn. Create the world in a blood bath or have the Universe rain dead baby orphans and suddenly Earth 2 will appear. I don't know just some ideas. **

**God: (Happy, excited) you're a genius Hercules! I WILL COOK AND BAKE EARTH TWO AS IF IT WAS A COOKIE! Not a sugar cookie thou, I hate sugar cookies!**

**Hercules: (rolling his eyes) this is what I get from being created by a woman and a beam of sunlight.**

**(Suddenly the filing cabinet flies open, and Hades head pops out with a rope. He puts the rope around Hercules head and strangles him to death grabs his body and pulls him in)**

**Hades: (spaced out look) Don't worry Hercules I got you. (Pulls him into the filing cabinet) She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes (slowly Hades head disappears into the files) **

**God: (angry) Oh my God! Who does that!**

**Zeus: HEY YOUR GOD! Oh, and answering your second question Hades does that.**

**God: I hate you.**

**Zeus: I LOVE PINEAPPLE!**

**God: (exhausted) Let's go get pizza…**

**Zeus: (happy) COOL! I could use some sex, do you think we could see God there?**

**God: Theirs a slight possibility. **

**Scene 2**

(While this whole thing was happening, a certain someone was watching there every move in a different office.)

**Angle: (with an evil grin) Hmm… I see you're getting more serious God, very impressive, very impressive indeed! Hitler bring my plans!**

**Hitler: (clueless) TZAH BLAH!**

**Angle: (questioningly) If I knew what you were saying I'm sure id smack you.**

**Hitler: BAH!**

**Angle: (compromising) Yes, yes, BAH! Now get my plans!**

**Hitler: BAH!**

**Angle: (angrily) LISTEN YOU HALF A TWIT! YOU WILL GO GET MY PLANS OR ILL HAVE THIS CAPTURED RASH HERE EAT YOUR FACE, AGAIN!**

**Hitler: (runs and grabs the plans and brings them back)**

**Angle: (exhausted) now was that so difficult to do?**

**Hitler: (yelling) NAI!**

**Angle: (interested) why is everything you say in a loud angry tone?**

**Hitler: BAH!**

**Angle: (aggravated) Forget I mention it.**

**Hitler: BAH! **

**Angle: (angrier then before) SHUT THE HELL UP!**

**Hitler: (runs over and closes the doors to hell, and runs back) BAH!**

**Angle: (hands Hitler a bottle of pills) Here, go over there and eat these…**

**Hitler: (leaves the room)**

**Angle: (evilly) Ah, now I remember I will make the Devil my slave, when he's my slave I will be able to harness or at least manipulate his powers! (Stops for a moment) Wait why does the word "manipulate" start with "man" (yells) HITLER!**

**Hitler: (comes out with 5 pills in each nostril) BAH!**

**Angle: (teasing) Wow, you're an intelligent one…**

**Hitler: BAH!**

**Angle: (commanding) yes, yes, I'm sure… Hitler, I need you to change the word "manipulate" into "womanipulate" got it?**

**Hitler: BAH! (Runs out of the room)**

**Angle: (rustling through papers) Where was I, oh yes I will get the devil on my side and take over God's head house, leaving me the new god! (Thinking) I will need to distract him, but that couldn't be too hard? I'll just distract him and his friends with Trapping CHEESE! MWUAH HAH!**

**(Back at God's Office, Zeus and God walk back in to find a single wedge of cheese in the middle of the floor, on it theirs a tag that says "Hello, my name is Daniella."**

**(To Be Continued in Part Four)**


End file.
